A Year On...

Wow. I totally forgot about this blog.

So much has changed since June of last year.

I am now 31 years old, i have a beard, and i have eaten asparagus.

Yes, asparagus.

Today i will attend my second wedding of the year. This is lame for many reasons:

1) I hate people

2) I suck at conversation

3) I have a dodgy tummy

4) I have to wear things that aren't jeans and trainers

5) I have to spend my only day off not being in bed / scratching casually on the sofa

6) I have had to go shopping. For shoes and handbags.

In other news:

We have a leaky pipe.

I Am Adult

I turn 30 this week.

This is a good thing, and I'll tell you why.

I like to be in bed by eleven - espesh on a school night.

I have nose hairs that would give Repunzel a run for her money.

Similarly, my ears are covered in growth that wouldn't look out of place on a month-old grapefruit.

I like Horlicks.

These things are hard to explain when you are sitting solidly in your 20's. People expect you to be wide awake at midnight, noses and ears aren't meant to be hairy, Horlicks is only acceptable if mixed 50/50 with vodka, rum or absynthe. Turn 30 though, and suddenly you're in the realm of adultness. Bits of you are expected to head south. Other bits are expected to be hairy. Horlicks becomes law. Bedtime coincides with the end of the ten o'clock news.

These things are considered normal.

Also, my slippers no longer need to be hidden under the bed when a visitor comes to the house.

Good times all-round.

But, as with all things in this life, there is a drawback.

I am expected, more now than ever, to behave with some element of maturity. This is a worry.

I'm not known for my ability to behave like a proper adult. I find farts incredibly funny, i still play video games, i am essentially a child. Heck, i can't even grow a proper beard. If i could somehow take a butter knife and spread my nostril hair down my face i would be halfway there.

But that's not to say I'm not willing to try. I realize we all have to grow up someday, and in many ways i would like to. Sometimes laughing out loud at the sound of a fart is highly inappropriate - funerals, for instance.

So that's where i'm at right now. Caught up somewhere in an adult / child limbo land. I'm sure i'll update you all in a month or two and let you know how i'm getting on. Maybe i'll have a full beard to show you...maybe i'll have completed god of war 3 on the difficult setting...

Turkey

I went to Turkey, and this is what i learned...

1. it rains quite often at night
2. they actually serve a fair amount of turkey at dinner
3. suncream should be applied on day one - especially on feet and back
4. germans love it there
5. they speak foreign

Review Of 'Shutter Island' [contains spoilers]

It was a bit shit.

Rio Feltz

Today John Terry was sacked as captain of the England football [soccer] team, and replaced by Rio ferdinand. A punishment for John Terry, yes, but an even bigger punishment to the team, and the country as a whole. How in God's name are we supposed to go tho the world cup finals in the summer with that mook leading us out? He can barely run ten yards without falling over, he talks like he has a large marble stuck in one cheek, he has the personality of a semi-burnt meringue, and he undoubtedly smells of disinfectant . Plus, have you ever seen Rio Ferdinand in the same place, at the same time as Vanessa Feltz? No? Well, that's because they are the same person. Yes, Vanessa Feltz is new England captain...we may as well bend over and have the Germans shove rusty pineapples up our poo pipes right now.

Good night to you.

Big tit

Big tits

Bad Parking

I don't claim to be the parking king or anything, but these folk suck quite majorly.

Our Feathered Friends

This month saw a seagull die in my chimney. I nearly touched the damn thing, so not only did i nearly have a heart attack when i found it, i also nearly threw up on it too. Ultimately, it was a bad day. For a while there my relationship with the feathered folk was a bit strained. I didn't want to speak to one, let alone feed one. But things changed today when we discovered that the bird feeder in the front garden had mysteriously vanished. No food for the little guys. No wonder they're all dying.

So we went into the big city and got us some seeds and shit to feed those little fuckers.

Here is one that i actually got for christmas, but only got round to hanging today. It is seeds in the shape of a bungee jumper.

All i can say is - they better that shit we gave 'em, otherwise i will be declaring war on their sorry little feathered sphincters.