A Year On...

Wow. I totally forgot about this blog.

So much has changed since June of last year.

I am now 31 years old, i have a beard, and i have eaten asparagus.

Yes, asparagus.

Today i will attend my second wedding of the year. This is lame for many reasons:

1) I hate people

2) I suck at conversation

3) I have a dodgy tummy

4) I have to wear things that aren't jeans and trainers

5) I have to spend my only day off not being in bed / scratching casually on the sofa

6) I have had to go shopping. For shoes and handbags.

In other news:

We have a leaky pipe.

I Am Adult

I turn 30 this week.

This is a good thing, and I'll tell you why.

I like to be in bed by eleven - espesh on a school night.

I have nose hairs that would give Repunzel a run for her money.

Similarly, my ears are covered in growth that wouldn't look out of place on a month-old grapefruit.

I like Horlicks.

These things are hard to explain when you are sitting solidly in your 20's. People expect you to be wide awake at midnight, noses and ears aren't meant to be hairy, Horlicks is only acceptable if mixed 50/50 with vodka, rum or absynthe. Turn 30 though, and suddenly you're in the realm of adultness. Bits of you are expected to head south. Other bits are expected to be hairy. Horlicks becomes law. Bedtime coincides with the end of the ten o'clock news.

These things are considered normal.

Also, my slippers no longer need to be hidden under the bed when a visitor comes to the house.

Good times all-round.

But, as with all things in this life, there is a drawback.

I am expected, more now than ever, to behave with some element of maturity. This is a worry.

I'm not known for my ability to behave like a proper adult. I find farts incredibly funny, i still play video games, i am essentially a child. Heck, i can't even grow a proper beard. If i could somehow take a butter knife and spread my nostril hair down my face i would be halfway there.

But that's not to say I'm not willing to try. I realize we all have to grow up someday, and in many ways i would like to. Sometimes laughing out loud at the sound of a fart is highly inappropriate - funerals, for instance.

So that's where i'm at right now. Caught up somewhere in an adult / child limbo land. I'm sure i'll update you all in a month or two and let you know how i'm getting on. Maybe i'll have a full beard to show you...maybe i'll have completed god of war 3 on the difficult setting...

Turkey

I went to Turkey, and this is what i learned...

1. it rains quite often at night
2. they actually serve a fair amount of turkey at dinner
3. suncream should be applied on day one - especially on feet and back
4. germans love it there
5. they speak foreign

Review Of 'Shutter Island' [contains spoilers]

It was a bit shit.

Rio Feltz

Today John Terry was sacked as captain of the England football [soccer] team, and replaced by Rio ferdinand. A punishment for John Terry, yes, but an even bigger punishment to the team, and the country as a whole. How in God's name are we supposed to go tho the world cup finals in the summer with that mook leading us out? He can barely run ten yards without falling over, he talks like he has a large marble stuck in one cheek, he has the personality of a semi-burnt meringue, and he undoubtedly smells of disinfectant . Plus, have you ever seen Rio Ferdinand in the same place, at the same time as Vanessa Feltz? No? Well, that's because they are the same person. Yes, Vanessa Feltz is new England captain...we may as well bend over and have the Germans shove rusty pineapples up our poo pipes right now.

Good night to you.

Big tit

Big tits

Bad Parking

I don't claim to be the parking king or anything, but these folk suck quite majorly.

Our Feathered Friends

This month saw a seagull die in my chimney. I nearly touched the damn thing, so not only did i nearly have a heart attack when i found it, i also nearly threw up on it too. Ultimately, it was a bad day. For a while there my relationship with the feathered folk was a bit strained. I didn't want to speak to one, let alone feed one. But things changed today when we discovered that the bird feeder in the front garden had mysteriously vanished. No food for the little guys. No wonder they're all dying.

So we went into the big city and got us some seeds and shit to feed those little fuckers.

Here is one that i actually got for christmas, but only got round to hanging today. It is seeds in the shape of a bungee jumper.

All i can say is - they better that shit we gave 'em, otherwise i will be declaring war on their sorry little feathered sphincters.

New-ish Year

January is nearly thru, and so i feel it time to inform the world [e.g., my two readers] as to how i am getting on with my new year resolutions. The fact that i know both of my two readers and already updated them on my goals is irrelevant, as clearly this blog is an act of mindless self-indulgence and merely a tool to feed my ego and stuff. Anyhoo...

• creativeness - i have thought a great deal about being creative. I have seen some ideas actually reach paper, but as yet, i am still being most lame.
• internet / tv / procrastination - Yep. Lots of it.
• eating less chocolate - if less infact means more, than yes, i am eating less.
• haircut - TICK!!!! Success!!!!!

So, there we are. Much the same as 2009 thus far. I do, however, have a few ideas i am working on, and i am subconsciously thinking about not eating chocolate - whatever that means...so i do feel i am making great progress. And getting my haircut was clearly a big victory for my head.

More to come as and when it may or may not happen...

Untitled 001

It has been a busy time here over the last few months.

I had my first car accident a few weeks back, i filed my first police report, got my first police caution, ate my first soufflé, visited Paris, did some christmas shopping, had an outing in Basildon, attended A & E and wore some longjohns.

Busy times indeed.

I have also spent much time constructing my new year resolutions list. So far it is looking like this:

• more proactiveness in all things imaginative and artistic. I aim to produce 'something' for each and every week of the year.
• less internet, less television, less procrastination in general.
• eat less chocolate.
• get my hair cut

To be fair, it isn't the greatest list in the world. However, it is a start.

In other news, i am looking forward to christmas arriving. I like presents, and i like seeing my mum. She is a nice lady. I am hoping i can get to Ramsgate and back without someone using my car as target practice.

Also, i am looking forward to seeing 'Where The Wild Things Are' at the cinema.

That is all for now...i have chocolate to eat and television to watch.

Good day to you.

Parris

I went to Paris for the first time this week.

It was city i had never really cared to visit.

These were my findings:

1) it is hard to navigate

2) it has many buildings

3) it is littered with the french

4) it has double decker trains

5) DOUBLE DECKER!!!!!

Ripleys BION

There used to be a time when i actually made an effort with my blogs.

I believe proof of such a time is here...

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=69016944

It's still bollocks...but it's more wordy.

Christmas Time, Cameltoe & Wine

We're not even into November yet, and already christmas is everywhere we look.

Unless, of course, we are looking in someone's anus.

Slow Day

Not much to report today.

Didn't really do much.

Service With A 'Smile'

Nature vs Nuture

Today i trimmed my bush.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I felt oh so tired last night.
So, i went to bed.

New York, New York

I was in New York this week, but now i am not.

???????!!???

So many thoughts going through my head today.
The main one is "what shall i have for dinner?"

Broom Broom

I drove my car about town a bit.
Then i drove it home.

Two Picnics Short Of A Sandwich

I went to take a photo of a something, but the batteries in the camera were dead.
I put the batteries on charge.